


Fully Submerged

by Inqukoala



Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Depression, F/F, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Suicidal Thoughts, You Have Been Warned, irregular updates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-01
Updated: 2016-01-09
Packaged: 2018-09-02 11:21:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8665621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inqukoala/pseuds/Inqukoala
Summary: She didn't understand. For someone so numb, these feelings were awfully painful. The water glittered across the river, courtesy of the moonlit sky, and she leaned forward ever so slightly. She felt herself drawn to the dark depths, wanting to get closer and closer. She wondered if they would miss her, or even notice she was gone. She chuckled drily. No, that would require caring.





	1. Detachment

She never believed in love. Not after the childhood she was brought up from. Sure, her father was rich and she was the heir to the Heartfilia Konzern, but that wasn't love. That was power. And, such power and influence would usually have made a child spoiled and ungrateful. But, fortunately, Lucy wasn't. Instead, she became an emotional wreck behind the walls she had instilled to protect herself.

When she was 6 years old her mother passed away, and, as much as she wished she hadn't died, she was glad Layla was given a painless death during her sleep. Even as a child, she could tell her mother had been suffering. She just hadn't known what from at the time. Until now, at least.

The family doctor that her father hired to examine what could have affected her mother's health so badly had diagnosed it as just another case of major depression. And she was proving to be more and more like Layla everyday.

She was never officially diagnosed, but she could tell. That life with no friends or family had done a number on her. She only had acquaintances during that time, and they were the staff of the mansion. On a good day, a maid or a butler would exchange a few "how are you?"s or "good morning"s and she would return them in politeness, but that was all she ever received. She hadn't seen her father come out of that damn office of his for several years.

At a younger age, she had attempted to earn her father's love by making a plate of rice balls, only to have them be splattered across the marble flooring as he swiped the tray off his oak wood work desk. The profanities he had screamed still rang in her ears to this day, and she doubted that they would ever leave.

She closed her eyes and sighed. 

It would do her no good to dwell on the past when she has her entire future in front of her. She was in Fairy Tail's hands and that's the safest place for her to be right now. Surrounding herself with happy people would eventually make her happy. Or, it could contribute to building up a mask of false joy, in her case. She didn't want to fake it, though. She wanted to be herself around her nakama, but her insecurities remained even after they had assured her prior to her joining that they would always love their family no matter what. She still had problems accepting that, even with all she and the guild had been through within the year she had been there. She knew that the mask she had formulated would crack and crumble at some point. She knew that from the very beginning, but sparing her nakama the pain of seeing her face blank and eyes clear of all emotion seemed like a better option than showing off the emptiness she truly felt. 

She internally groaned in frustration, dropping her head to the guild table with a thud. A few of the early members looked over in surprise, before brushing off the blonde's rare presentation of detachment. Except for one, who furrowed her brow in concern while towelling a glass behind the bar.

**_How much longer can you keep up this charade, Lucy? You'll have to give in eventually._ ** _ No, I don't. I--I can keep doing it. I owe it to them. They've done so much for me already, and I'm not going to burden them with anymore of my problems.  _ **_Sureeee, we'll see how that works out for you._ **

She clenched her fists. That damn voice always knew exactly what to say to push her buttons. And, why was it that she always stuttered her retorts to the traitorous voice? 

**_Because you don't want to accept the truth. You know I'm right, Lu._ ** She held back a growl as she grit her teeth. It was official. If she hadn't hated the voice before then, she definitely did now.  **_Come now, that's not nice,_ ** the voice laughed. 

She quietly let out a disgruntled hiss she had been holding in. She was pretty sure that her nails had pierced her palms by now. This voice was grating on her nerves. Even though she knew everything it said was true, it's not like she could just slide the disguise off so suddenly. It would have to happen gradually over time or they would notice something was wrong. 

**_Really? You think they actually care? Ha! That's the funniest thing I've ever heard from you._ ** _ Stop, Lucy, its just playing with you. They do care. They do care. They do care. They do ca--  _ A soft hand on her shoulder interrupted her mantra. She lifted her head from the table with a quick smile plastered on her face, acting as if she wasn't going crazy arguing with herself. Her chocolate eyes met Mira's worried, blue shades. She angled her body towards Fairy Tail's resident barmaid with a questioning look upon her face. 

"Hey, Mira," she greeted. "What's up?" She pushed down the nervousness as best she could. She had a feeling this wasn't going to go down as well as she wanted it to.

"Hey, Lucy. How are you?" Lucy kept her composure on the outside, but on the inside she was so skittish she was scared that she would jump out of her skin.

"Oh, I'm good. Just like normal," Oh God, she probably just fucked that up. Why did she have to add that last part? She winced inwardly. Now, Mira will know something's up. For a second, her mask cracked and her edgy features seeped through before it was sucked back up into the confines of a replacement. She glued on a spurious grin before replaying the question in politeness.

"Same," Mira answered with knowing glint in her sapphire eyes. Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shitshitshitshitshit. 

Mira knew. 

Mira  _ knew _ . 

_ Mira  _ knew.

Shit.

**_You done?_ ** the voice asked sarcastically.  **_You curse like a sailor._ **

_ Shut. Up. This is serious. _

**_Just be glad they don't hear you. God knows what they'd think then,_ ** it snickered.

She growled. Damn voice. 

"Lucy? Lucy? Lucy, are you okay?" Seconds after, she became aware of the hand waving in front of her face as her eyes refocused on reality. "Huh? Oh, yeah. I'm fine, Mira," she replied. 

"Why do you ask?" Lucy was hoping that her friend was just asking, and not because her insanity was finally shining out even though she had already established that Mira knew something was up.

Mira made her sweet, innocent smile. "No reason." 

Yup, that definitely confirmed it. Mira only ever did that when she knew something, and, though Mira didn't know what it was she knew, she obviously realized she knew great of importance.

Damn. This wasn't going to turn out well. Why did she have to be friends with Magnolia's biggest gossip?

Lucy settled for a look of confusion before faking a shrug of disinterest.  **_Oooo, ha, ha, ha! Somebody's already on your case. What what will our favorite crazy do, folks? Keep up the façade, or grow up and quit being A FAKE?!_ ** Lucy wouldn't deny it. That last one got to her. And it made her wonder if the voice was right. Was she really a fake? Did she need to grow up?  _ NO, you are NOT a fake. You are perfectly fine the way you are. This is a sacrifice. For Fairy Tail. For nakama. It's worth it. Don't let the voice get to you. _

It was quiet for a moment. Mira, wiping down Lucy's table with a wet rag, looked over during the blonde's musings and narrowed her eyes at the blank expression of the blonde's face. She refrained from shivering. It was kind of unsettling. 

"Lucy?" The white haired girl questioned. She watched as the celestial mage jumped slightly in her chair. Lucy's eyes widened for a split second before throwing on a fraud veil of curiosity over herself. "Yeah?" 

Mira looked her straight in the eye, traces of her earlier smile were long gone and replaced with an earnest demeanor. Lucy was caught off guard and Mira noted it. Something was wrong with Lucy, and Mira needed to find out. And she would. She would just have to be patient.

"You know you can come to me if you ever need to talk, right?" She imperturbably awaited the response the -- even more now -- surprised blonde, who nodded dumbly, not trusting her voice at the time. Mira smiled and bided her goodbye as Cana walked through the guild doors. 

Lucy didn't know how long she sat there staring at the table. She just knew it was still early and she was tired as hell. Home sounded like a good idea. Warm bed, soft pyjamas, and a blissful, dreamless sleep. Yeah, home sounded really good.

* * *

 

Mira watched worriedly from her place behind the bar counter. Lucy was acting odd and, so far, she was the only one that saw it. The nerves in her stomach rattled as she observed the Stellar Mage nod to herself, obviously in deeper thought than earlier. The eldest Strauss' eyes followed the blonde move out of the guild, practically unseen. She sighed. 

Cana paused her binge, eyes flickering up with a questioning look on her face at Mira's unusual behavior. Generally, the white haired woman would be all smiley and carefree, so the creases upon her brow were rather strange to witness. After a few minutes of scrutinizing the S-class's stare into space with a distraught appearance while drying the same glass, she spoke up.

"What's wrong?" Maybe it was just catching her off guard that made Mira jump, or the serious look Cana had presented her with.

Or, maybe it was the realization that the Card mage had stopped drinking.

Mira struggled for the right words. This wasn't gossip. This was valuable information that shouldn't be spoken of until Lucy came out about it. The barmaid wasn't even aware of the actually problem, but she could tell when something needed to be hushed. She wasn't stupid, just incredibly worried.

As Cana's gaze intensified, Mira knew it was impossible to avoid the awaiting confrontation forever. Who knew how long it would be until Lucy was ready to come out about whatever it was that was bothering her.

"What's wrong, Mira." It wasn't a question, it was a statement. Cana wanted an answer and Mira would deliver it. 

"Nothing," she replied in her usual, bubbly tone, adding a sweet smile to sell her friend. Cana didn't buy it.

The brown haired woman set her barrel on the counter and stood up abruptly -- startling the Take-Over mage and garnering the attention of the few early guild members in the vicinity. 

"Don't lie to me," the alcoholic said in equanimity. "I've never seen you like this."

The S-class cringed inwardly. She knew there was no way she would last against Cana's persistence. The Card mage would end up glaring at her if she played it down and Mira was never able to handle her glare. True, she hadn't seen it very often, but when she did she always gave in. Offhandedly, Mira wondered if her glare had ever bothered Cana when they were kids. Then she remembered the terrifying eyes boring into her, awaiting a response. She quickly weighed her options: she could come up with something very convincing and risk getting caught later, she could tell Cana, or she could tell Cana and ask for her help. After careful consideration, she decided on Option C. She bowed her head and apologized.

"It's fine, but what's wrong? You look like you're really focused on that glass," Cana joked with a smile, trying to lighten the mood. "You've been drying it for, like, 5 minutes."

Mira blushed a light shade in embarrassment and set the glass down. "Can we go somewhere else to talk? In private," she added the last part, seeing as half of the early members were still looking in their direction. "It's something I'd really like to keep secret."

Cana raised an eyebrow before her mouth formed into an involuntary 'O' as she caught onto the discrete tilt of Mira's head in the direction of the guild members that were still watching. She sneaked a quick peek at them.  _ Don't any of them have a life?  _ They were still watching.

Obviously not.

She turned back to Mira and shrugged in response to her previous question. "Sure. Lead the way," gesturing with her arm. Smiling gratefully, Mira lifted the gate that connected the counter and let Cana behind the bar. 

Cana attempted to sneak a few bottles of wine, but Mira slapped her hand and made her walk in front of her into the kitchen.

"So what's up? Is something wrong?" Cana questioned as they entered, Mira closing the door behind them. 

Mira was quiet for a moment, trying to piece the right words together like a puzzle prior to saying them, but nothing seemed to fit, so she gave up and came straight out with it. "I think something's wrong with Lucy."

Cana looked taken aback for a second before composing herself and raising a questioning eyebrow, silently telling Mira to elaborate.

"I mean, she's been acting off lately. Her smiles seem forced and she's been almost unnoticably distant. And, just last night she passed out on one of the tables out there! She wasn't even drunk or anything!" Mira ranted worriedly, waving her arms around as she travelled from cabinet to cabinet, mentally taking inventory.

The Card mage stood in shock at the revelation.  She had always considered herself perceptive, but for her not to pick up on it proved that Mira was more observant than the barmaid made herself out to be.

Neither made a sound for several minutes. The air became heavy after Mira's much needed outburst as they both thought over any plausible reasons to Lucy's odd behavior. Cana broke the silence.

"When did you first notice?"

Mira sighed. "I don't know. Maybe a few weeks ago? I know couple days ago when she asked me for a milkshake I tried to make conversation about Team Natsu's last mission and she just . . . shut down. She was pretty quiet after that, finished her shake and went home. I think that's when I started to realize something was up."

The silence returned in the room and Mira was beginning to get freaked out. Cana looked even more serious than before, the gears turning in her head were practically visible. The Take-Over mage was not used to witnessing the uncharacteristic accounts of her friends, and it was starting to mess with her head, so she kept still at the kitchen counter fiddling with spices, waiting for the alcoholic to say something.

But Cana didn't say anything. 

Mira's head snapped up at the familiar flop of her friend's sandals, and her jaw dropped in shock when she saw her move out the door. She couldn't keep the hurt from flashing across her face, nor the pain of betrayal that swirled in her sapphire eyes.  _ I just told you something super confidential, and you walk away like it's nothing?! You better watch out, Cana, you may end up getting cut off for a very, very long time.  _ Hurriedly, the barmaid followed the Card mage's actions and entered the bar.

She was quite surprised to see that, rather than downing as much of the toxic liquid she was known to, Cana was rifling through the pages of Fairy Tail's mission log. "What are you doing?"

The brown haired woman merely glanced at her before her eyes continued scanning the entries. "You said you asked Lucy about a mission a few weeks ago, right?" Not waiting for a reply, Cana got to the point. "Well, maybe if we look into it, we can find out when and why she started acting weird."

Mira felt shame weave itself into her chest. How could she have even thought that Cana would just walk away from a problem, especially something as dour as this. They were Fairy Tail, for Mavis's sake! They didn't do that to each other, yet had Mira allowed herself to believe it. She swallowed the feeling down. "Good idea."

Cana just hummed and flipped another page. Mira decided to make herself useful and poured a mug of beer for her friend as a form of apology for doubting her, setting it on the counter next to the occupied woman. Cana mumbled a thanks, the mug already at her lips the second the glass touched the wooden surface.

Two mugs and five shots later, Cana flagged Mira down, having finally reached missions dated at least two weeks back. 

The barmaid quickly finished serving the guild members on the other side of the bar and rushed over to hear the results of Cana's search. "What'd you find?"

"Nothing helpful."

Mira's jaw dropped for the second time that day. "You’re telling me that it took you--" she looked at the guild's wall clock "--an hour and a half to find nothing!?"

Cana just shrugged. "Nothing very memorable has happened recently. Well, except the whole 'Edolas Thing,'" she said.

"And, Lissana coming back," Mira added, drying another glass subconsciously.

It was quiet as realization hit them both in the face with a possibility, and the air behind the bar counter became thicker. "Do you think that's the reason?" Mira asked, almost inaudibly, in consternation.

Cana thought it over before replying. "I'm starting to. I mean, think about it. Natsu and them could be so excited over Lis that they forget about Luce. Or, maybe she feels kinda like she's out of place or tagging along. A third wheel of sorts, I guess. It's possible either way, though."

Mira sighed and set down the -- once again -- over dried glass while Cana closed the mission log, putting it back under the bar in the shelf where she found it.

The quiet between them had returned, but didn't spread as far as it had before. Neither talked for a short time, the two friends relishing the silence, pondering the next step in their current quandary. "You should work the bar with me today. That way you can see how different she acts," the S-Class suggested after a while.

"As long as I get free drinks." Mira smiled. "Of course."


	2. Nightmares

They had been working all day at the "observation deck," also known to the rest of the guild as the bar, serving food and drinks to the ordering members, but not once had they spotted Lucy. Mira was starting to get anxious.

"Cana, I think one of us should go check and see if she's alright." The original barmaid confessed, over-drying a glass.

Cana hopped over the counter and walked into the kitchen with a few dirty dishes stacked in her hands. "Why? Stop worrying so much. She probably just slept in. You know how tired she was this morning."

Mira sighed. "I know, but I can't help it if I'm worried," she said, following Cana into the kitchen. "What if something  _ did _ happen to her?"

Cana set the dishes in the sink and turned to her friend. Mira blushed in embarrassment as Cana took the glass she was still drying out of her hands, setting it on the counter. She really needed to kick that habit. "Look, I understand why you would be worried, but I seriously doubt anything has happened since she left."

"I know, but--"

" _ Mira _ ," Cana stopped her before she could go on. "Quit worrying. If something happened, I'm sure Lucy would tell us," she squeezed the barmaid's shoulder comfortingly.

The Take-Over mage sighed again and followed Cana back into the bar. She couldn't help but believe Cana's words. She seemed earnest, almost as if she understood the situation more than others. Like she's been through something similar. Mira narrowed her eyes is suspicion. Could she...? No, there's no way Cana... Her thoughts trailed off at the realization of her hypocrisy. You have no room to judge, she told herself. 

Back in the "observation deck," Mira refilled Macao and Wakaba's glasses while Cana enjoyed a long, hearty swig from her free barrel. She shook her head in hopes of dropping the pensive mood and plastering on a smile, no matter how hard she'd have to pretend, but she simply could not do it. Her mind was focused purely on Lucy and what was wrong, but she also knew that Cana was right on telling her not to worry. Lucy was a strong woman and she could handle the situation -- whatever it was -- on her own, with support if needed. Plus, Sorcerer Weekly would not be happy about any creases she may acquire from being so overly concerned.

She blew a puff of air out her cheeks, a frustrated look overtaking her features as she grabbed a wet rag and wiped down the counter. It just wasn't fair. An innocent soul like Lucy shouldn't have to go through something so bad that she felt she couldn't come to Fairy Tail, the most accepting place in all of Earthland, with it; something that Mira, and possibly Cana, barely made it out of. It just wasn't fair. 

_ Not to Lucy... _

Mira allowed herself a short break to breathe, leaning on her elbows and hunching over the counter. She needed to stop thinking about it. No good would come out of this if Mira wasn't ready to jump in at a moment's notice to help, and she couldn't do that if she was emotionally,physically, and/or mentally exhausted from the stress of it all. 

She sighed for what seemed like the thousandth time today. She was unable to do anything to further succor Lucy at the moment, she knew. She would have to wait. Give this -- whatever it was -- some time. 

She rested her eyes in her rare moment of peace. Just give it some time.

Mira never knew that following such earnest advice would end up being her greatest regret.

* * *

 

Lucy sat on the stone walk in front of the river, holding her knees to her chest. The moon shone down over the few tall buildings in Magnolia and onto the gelid liquid, lighting it up in shades of blues and whites while the stars that were bright enough would reflect off the surface. She would often come down here from her apartment just to marvel at the excellence nature presented, and she had to admit that it was beautiful.

She rubbed the sleep from her eyes, as if it would help sharpen the amazing view even more. She had slept most of the day away, but she needed some fresh air, despite the lingering cold, before she went back inside.

The frigid wind blew gently, unsettling the water and making her shiver as it broke through the fuzzy barrier of her hoodie and sweat pants. She pulled up the hood and hid in her blonde hair, sighing deeply. Maybe fresh air really wasn't a good idea.

Her eyes bored into the dark depths, feeling that slight connection that she always did. It was soothing, knowing that she could relate to something--even if it was exactly that, a something, not a person or a living being. The water and her were different, true, but they were more alike than anyone would be comfortable pointing out. 

Water fills up most of the world the same way Lucy temporarily filled up the holes in their hearts. Water was good enough to make up most of the world, but not all of it, the same way Lucy was good enough to patch up the void their old friend left behind, but not enough to keep it sealed when she came back. Water was used everyday, being polluted and corrupted by the disgustingness of human kind the same way Lucy felt after being blown off by her best friend so many times. 

Water and her were alike. Both were taken for granted.

They were only good enough and nothing more.

She shook her head to clear her mind of thoughts. She found the moon, a faintly yellow, waxing crescent light in the sky, and the corners of her lips tilted upwards. 

The gleaming space rock reminded her of her mother's eyes before they lost all their light, and the stars evoked memories of the sparkles that danced in them every time they used to meet with Lucy's own. 

She felt tears fall from her eyes, darkening the grey fabric of her sweats as they spotted her her knees. 

She convinced herself the moon was her mother smiling down on her from Heaven, watching over her and assisting her through her struggles. The letters she wrote everyday would never be read by the one entitled, she knew, but the process was therapeutic and simple, helping her pick through and untangle the knot of feelings she had unknowingly constructed. 

_ One letter at a time _ , she smirked wryly at the moon, content with her new found feeling of peace, but it was promptly replaced with a frown at the comment The Voice. 

**_Tree Killer._ **

_ Ah, so you're back now?  _ Lucy inwardly cheered, congratulating her non-stutter with well deserved bonus points.

**_Yup, it said, popping the 'p.'_ **

_ Great. This will be so much fun. _

**_Isn't it?_ ** The Voice replied, obviously not detecting her use of sarcasm or ignoring it.  **_I can't wait to get started!_ **

Lucy sweatdropped, beginning to feel wary at The Voice's odd, sudden giddiness. Her confidence started to waver. She hoped it wasn't starting again...

_ Y-Yay. _

**_I know right! We can go home and curl up in bed and, while you try to go to sleep_ ** , its sudden excitement became malicious and abrasive.  **_I can cause you pain by talking about the stuff you don't want to talk about, and bring up the past and stuff._ **

By the end of The Voice's suggestion, Lucy was terrified and on the verge of tears. Her heart was beating against her ribcage and her palms were becoming clammy. Lucy didn't use the word 'hate' often, only when she was absolutely sure that she wanted what she hated to die, but...

_ She hated it _ . The past... Talking about it or remembering. She hated The Voice for it, causing her more pain. She hated The Voice for making her hurt so much she couldn't tell the difference between pain and relief.

She hated it for making her numb.

_ We're not doing that! I won't go through that anymore!  _ Lucy screamed bloody murder in her mind and the victimized feeling she was experiencing only increased, knowing she had no choice in the matter. Tears of anguish pooled at her eyes, staining her cheeks as they rushed down. 

She wanted it to stop, for it all to end. This pain... It was eating her apart, gutting its way through her stomach and up to her heart. She was lucky to have a day without The Voice committing its injustices against her, and when it returned its remarks were three times more scathing. She didn't understand. She couldn't understand, couldn't wrap her mind around it. It was just...

_ Impossible. _

**_Well, of course it is, Lu,_ ** The Voice talked down to her condescendingly.  **_It always was. Ya know, for such a smart girl, you're very stupid. Can't even control what happens in your mind. It's sad, really._ **

Lucy remained silent, on her knees gazing into the dark depths of the river. Tears still rained down, slowly trekking down to the ground, leaving her eyes red and puffy. 

**_You said you wanted it to end, didn't you?_ ** The Voice questioned after a few minutes. Receiving no response, it continued, almost sympathetically.  **_There's a quick fix to that._ **

Lucy's eyes widened in realization of what The Voice was saying, falling from her knees to a crab-walk position as she backpedalled away from the water frantically. Her hood fell off, unveiling her horrified expression.

"N-no... N-no, I-i... I-i won't do that..." she stammered, completely appalled and the slightest bit sickened. She didn't even realize she was speaking aloud.

**_OH, come ON!_ ** The Voice complained.  **_You SAID you wanted it to end; this is the easiest solution._ **

"T-That... That isn't even a solution," she disagreed. "T-That's p-p-permanent."

Maybe she should take back those non-stuttering bonus points.

The Voice laughed, a disturbing, haunting echo resonating through her fragile mind, and Lucy felt dread pit in her stomach.

**_That's okay, Lucy, Dear. You'll have all of tonight to think about it!_ **

Lucy's eyes widened and she jumped up from her position on the ground, her feet slapping the pavement as she ran to her apartment. She couldn't believe it had gotten so bad in the little time she tried to break away. She knew she shouldn't have stopped, knew she wasn't ready to handle it on her own, but she did it anyway and now she was paying the price.

The blonde roughly shoved the house key into the door slot, turned it, pulled it out and shoved it back into her hoodie pocket, booking it up the stairs into her home away from home. She snatched up a clean glass from the littered kitchen table and rushed to the bathroom, growing stiff in front of the sink where she stopped, completely frozen. Her thin eyebrows scrunched together, indecisive.

_ Do... Do I really want to give up? I was doing pretty good.  _

And for a second, she hesitated, her fingertips stopping mere inches from the cool metal that edged the mirror cabinet's side.  **_Yeah, you were doin' better than I thought you would, but here you are again; giving up. You really are weak, aren't you?_ **

It was provoking her, taunting her, waiting for her to leap up, do a trick, and take the bait. She knew. Oh, she knew well, but that word, that damned word... It reverberated, replaying itself on a loop for The Voice's sadistic satisfaction of seeing her fright. A bitter taste filled her mouth.

_ Weak. _

She did not like that word.

She refused to believe it. Because she wasn't weak. Was she...?

_ No. _

No, she wasn't weak. She was just getting some help. It's not like she was cheating or anything. 

Her hand moved towards the mirror cabinet again, pulling it open and revealing shelves of orange and white pill bottles, cheap razors, gauze, band aids, and other medical supplies. One could never be too careful, despite the fact that she was the only one to know where the treatment reserve was located.

**_Ah, back to those again, I see. To bad they won't save you tonight... Or tomorrow, or the next day._ **

She ignored The Voice's comment as her fingers found one of the many cylindrical containers, a white one nearly empty of its contents. She spun the cap off and took a yellow and blue capsule to her tongue, filling up the cup she had grabbed with water. She swallowed the pill down like she did her pain, a quick, hard gulp as she reigned in her raging emotions. It wouldn't be too long before it kicked in, maybe a few weeks or so. Until then, she'd just have to make do.

She could feel it. That cold that came back after an episode, the dismal numbness that existed in her dying soul and the decaying of her heart as she fell apart with each one. 

And, despite feeling nothing, it hurt.

She was unsure of where, what, or why it hurt, only aware that it did. 

It really hurt.

She didn't want to move. Her body ached all over and she was still out of breath from the run, not to mention the disarray of emotions she was at the moment. She wanted to stay still, motionless until the pain went away. Setting the bottle on the counter, she slipped of her shoes and grabbed a few thick bath towels from the cabinet under the sink, folding them and spreading them across the bottom of the bath tub as a makeshift cushion. She flipped the light switch on the wall, enveloping the room in the darkness, and opted to use her fluffy pink robe as a blanket as she eased herself into the acrylic tub.

She wouldn't have to worry about anyone finding her like this in the morning, hair a mess, tear tracks and mascara stains, face pale and sunken in. Natsu had informed her that he was taking Lissana fishing with Happy, Erza was supposed to be taking another mission, and Gray should be to busy avoiding Juvia all over the guild. 

She sighed and closed her dull eyes, mentally preparing herself for the horrors she would bear witness to in her dreamscape.

_ A little while longer. Just a week or two. Then, I'll be better again. I won't have to fake it anymore. I'll be able to smile an actual smile again. _

_ I'll be able to FEEL again. _


	3. Anxiety Kicks In

The guild was as rowdy as usual when she arrived, even though it was rather early for another one of their unexplained parties. Everyone was smiling and laughing or drinking way past their fill, and Lucy felt out of place as soon as she stepped through the door, closing it gently behind her. 

No one had noticed her, not that she wasn't used to it anymore. She had long since realized that she was a mere shadow to most of them. It wasn't that hard to figure it out, even on her own. There were the signs: failing to greet her as a person like they once had, the lack of communication between her and her "nakama", and the unacknowledgment of her presence she recieved on a nearly daily basis now. And, though she felt numb and incapable of touchy things like feelings that everyone else had no problems with, it hurt. She could make it out to be a tiny, insignificant twinge, but truthfully everytime was a sharp, painful stab through the chest along with a cool sensation (that was probably just her imagination acting up again) spreading across her heart and left her soul gasping for air as if she were drowning.

Though, right now she was glad she hadn't been acknowledged. She knew she probably looked like shit because that's all that her week had been, especially since the numbness she knew as "feelings" had all over the place, as of recent. Yes sir, it had been  _ complete _ and  _ utter _ shit for her.

**_Ah, ah, ah,_ ** the Voice taunted, stilling her with its icy tone, and she could envision it waving a finger as it talked down to her.  **_You better break those habits soon. One day that vulgar language is gonna get you in trouble._ **

She frowned and ignored it in response, hoping and praying to every God she knew of that her choice of defense wouldn't somehow evoke an onslaught in any way. She shook her head, clearing her thoughts as best she could, and resumed her life, alternating between long, confident strides and placid, wind-like movements as she practically danced around the bumbling drunks her guild consisted of.

There weren't many jobs available. At least, not many that met her criteria. Capturing thieves? _ No. _ Escorts?  _ Nah.  _ Treasure hunts?  _ Uh-uh. _ She sighed out a breath.  _ It's hard to find a way to support yourself when you barely qualify for anything.  _

**_That's because you're just too basic, Darling._ ** It came in a smooth, deep baritone this time, with a sultry edge as soft as silk, and a certain emptiness that sent chills riding through your core.  **_Every aspect of you is boring, uninteresting. You wonder why you don't qualify for anything? Ha! Don't make me laugh! You couldn't qualify for anything,_ ** **even if you tried.** **_Your life is a false pretense, a charade, a tiny, insignificant garage sale board game that no one would even_ ** **think** **_about participating in._ **

**_Just look,_ ** The Voice cooed, and Lucy fought the urge to listen, to tear her zoning gaze from the request board and to the smiling faces of her comrades. She spared a glimpse, a quick peek right over her shoulder. Envy shot through her being more powerful than she had ever felt before because they were smiling, laughing too. Creating masterpieces,  true and whole-heartedly real smiles and grins and giggles and squeals that lit up their entire bodies, and Lucy just desperately longed to experience something like that  _ so bad.  _ They could be happy so easily, drunk or sober, like they had a  _ fucking instruction manual  _ that broke it down step by step. Why couldn't she have one of those?

**_They don't care about you._ **

_ Yes, they do.  _

(Then why haven't they noticed anything? The distance, the changes of yourself? Why haven't they noticed? I mean, they've seen through people's masks in the past, haven't they?)

A weight began to settle on her chest. 

She continued to play it cool. Like always.

**_You're_ ** **nothing** **_to them._ **

_ No.  _

(Then why are they partying while you're beginning another panic attack? Why don't they visit you in your apartment, like they used to?)

It was increasing. 

She could stand it. She wasn't going to break today. She could stay strong.

**_You're stupid._ **

_ No.  _

(Then why do you believe anything anyone ever tells you? Why do you fall for the same, repeated tricks throughout the entirety of the poor excuse you call a life?)

Slowly, but steadily.

She could stand it. She wouldn't break. She'd stay strong.

**_You're helpless._ **

_ I'm not.  _

(Then why, when you still went on missions with them, of course, were they always saving you? Why were you never capable of saving yourself?)

It was getting heavier now.

She would stand it. She wouldn't break. She'd be strong.

**_You're a whore._ **

_ I'm not. _

(Oh, really? That's not what they thought when you first showed up. In fact, they were surprised when you joined. They probably thought Natsu just needed to get his mind off of her.)

She was getting nauseous.

She'd stand it. She wouldn't break. She was strong.

**_A naive, selfish, little liar._ **

_ It's not true. None of this is. _

(Then why did they play you like they did, like you were a fiddle? Then why are you only thinking of yourself? Aren't you suposed to be elated for them? Their long lost sister came back to them, after the many years they spent in sorrow, misery, and grief thinking that she was gone forever, dead. Why have you been wearing a facade this whole time? What was the point of hiding when they'll just find out like everyone else?)

Her stomach was doing flops, churning and burning her insides.

No breaking. Be strong. Don't cry.

**_You're worthless._ **

_ No. _

(Then why are you nonexistant to them now? Why is it that your value has seemingly depleted? Why are you a mere stranger to the ones you call family?)

Bile was rising in her throat.

No breaking. Strong. Don't cry.

**_Dare I say it..._ ** _ \--...Please, don't say it...-- _ **_Where you just a_ ** **replacement** **_, Lucky Lucy?_ **

_ No. I'm not. I'm not a replacement. I'm not. _

(Why are you invisible to them now? They don't look at you, they don't talk to you, they won't listen to you. They don't do anything with you. They were only pitying you, but now? Now, they don't even do that.)

She was going to throw up.

Stand it. Can't break. Strong. Don't cry.

_ No! Mira... Mira talked to me the other day! And she asked if I was okay and said that I could come to her for anything. _

**_Sweet, sweet, naive Lucy, do you honestly believe that Mira came to talk to you because she was_ ** **worried about you?!** **_It's very likely that she wanted to stop you from damaging the tables anymore than you already did. If you kept banging your head you might've broken it in half. Fairy Tail has a strict budget. You should know, considering how many times they've wasted it on rebuilding the cities and towns your old friends used to destroy._ **

She couldn't breathe.

Stand. Don't break. Strong. She wasn't crying.

**_A_ ** **fake.**

_ You're wrong. _

(Then, how do you explain your life? Whatelse have you done besides pretend? You can't manipulate yourself forever.)

She couldn't breathe.

Be strong. Don't break. She wasn't crying.

**_Am I? Well, maybe so, but I'm sure you can't deny this last one._ ** She was going to pass out, she knew it. She just hoped someone would notice, that  _ they _ would notice. Dark spots were dancing in her vision, floating and clouding and blurring her world away. The colors, the prettiest and brightest ones she'd ever seen, began to blend and burn and blacken into the cold darkness she had the pleasure of calling her mind. And then, she heard it. A whisper, a horrible, hauntingly degrading taunt spoken with an invisible smirk. Her eyes widened as she choked on air.

**_You're_ ** **WEAK.**

SHE COULDN'T BREATHE.

She was crying.

* * *

 

He's seen a lot of things during his time, both bad and good, but Makarov was fairly sure that  _ any _ of his children dropping to the floor was  _ not  _ a good thing.

She'd been out for hours, unconscious of the couch in his office. With the help of Mirajane and Cana, who carried her up the stairs and relayed their ideas about the situation was and possible solutions to the things they came up with, but he didn't want to hear it. Not to say he didn't listen. Something was wrong and it involved one of his children, for Mavis's sake! Of course, he listened, but it didn't mean he wanted to accept the fact. He didn't want to entertain the fact that someone so innocent and sweet, someone like Lucy, was-- _ maybe _ (he wasn't going to rule out the other possibilities yet)--struggling within her own mind. And it  _ was _ hard to accept--Lucy was so undeserving of any horrendous torture-filled minute she was  _ possibly _ being subjected to--but he didn't need to accept it. He only needed to fix it before anything got too out of hand.

He shook his head, unsure of who should bear the blame for endangering another one of his brats.  _ God(s)? Karma? Fate of destiny?  _ His pen paused, ceasing its movement with a punctuation on the paperwork he was currently--and rather unsuccessfully--distracting himself with. None of this seemed fair to him.

None of this seemed fair to Lucy.

His eyes roamed over to the other side of the room where she lay on the dark leather couch against the wall, resting her head on the plushy, cotton pillow he kept there with her golden strands fanned out, and all wrapped up in the many colorful blankets a young Evergreen had gifted him when the girl was just learning to knit. The blonde was facing away from him and the glowing lamplight atop his wooden desk, huddling herself into a ball, sound asleep, but he could tell she still looked like a angel. She'd always be an angel, his little angel. Even if she-- _ possibly-- _ wasn't her usual self.

He smiled sadly, eyes shining with unshed tears that he refused to let fall, and returned to his paperwork. She'd be okay. She had a strong will, and this wasn't exactly something he could walk her through or fight for her. This was something she had to do on her own, with moral support if needed, but she'd be fine. She'd make it through this--whatever _ this  _ was. She'd be fine. He cleared his throat softly and took a deep breath to calm himself, brushing the tears out of his eyes. She'd be just fine.

And as the hours slipped by into the night, and his eyelids began to droop  down, and his pen travelled, making stray marks across the papers before his in his half-awake state, he never once questioned that maybe, for the first time since becoming a guild master, he had underestimated the complexity of a situation at hand.


	4. Freedom

Lucy sat crossed-legged in front of the water, enjoying the rare peace she was being granted. She wasn't really doing much with the scarce, unknown amount of time that remained, just dragging her fingers along the water's edge and basking in the morning's dawn. She hadn't gone home yet and was still wearing the same jeans and sweatshirt as she had been the day before, but the scenery had looked too beautiful to pass up, so calm and inviting without the annoying residents of Magnolia wandering around. She sighed a breath, smelling the tranquility that existed only in the early hours and silent mind. 

She'd left a note for Master Makarov, thanking him for watching over her while she slept, on his desk and had set the small scrap of parchment to the left of his snoring form, which was bent over the worktable in what looked like a rather uncomfortable position. She had considered moving the small old man to the couch, but prefered not not wake him. After all, he needed rest, too. He was most likely up most of the night stressing about her, no doubt.  _ And it's probably in my best interest to make for a clean escape, instead of waking him and having to carry on some sort of coversation in response to all his incoherent mumblings and drool gurglings, _ she had thought then, but now she was feeling what she assumed was regret because Makarov was going to wake up in a world of pain due to whatever awkward posture he had adopted throughout the night.

She wasn't aware of who carried her up the stairs and into the Master's office, nor was she truly worried about finding out. She was fairly certain it wasn't Makarov, though. He wasn't an stupid; he knew he couldn't carry her, much less up the stairs. She also didn't know how much attention might be directed to her at her return, given the fact that she had been rendered unconscious before being able to tell if anyone out of her circle of friends( _ Family? Aquaintences? People? _ ) had seen the event through their hazy, alcohol-induced states of bliss and happiness. 

She wouldn't trouble herself over it now, though. She would spend this time without the usual internal torment as peacefully as she could. Who knew when she'd receive something as great as this again?

The sun was trailing behind the tall buildings that resided in the town, slowly but steadily rising and bathing everything in a shimmering, red-orange light. From the right angle dust particles in the air could be seen, moving as the wind pushed them along, looking like floating sparkles, each leaving their own fairy dust trail to marvel at. The trees were as beautiful as the flowers, all radiating a healthy green aura that blended into the world, their leaves seemingly painted a pink-ish gold tint. It was all so mesmerising. But, to Lucy, the most amazing view was the water.

It was gorgeous, the way the red rays of the sun reflected and would fade to a pink and to an orange and to a yellow across the liquid expansion all while maintaining its original, strong, clear blue. The ripples she made as she traced her fingertips along the color stained surface only added to the magnificent artwork that nature itself displayed, swirling small waves of coloration in an alluring way, as if the tones of the dyed river were dancing slowly and intimately, and she watched as each hue mingled with one another. The entirety of it was breathtaking, so wonderful as to make one forget everything. It was like a dream one would never want to wake from, like the first taste of happiness on your tongue and never wanting such an enticing flavor to leave.

She sat for hours, still tracing her fingers in the beauty that was the water, not thinking of anything in particular. Just listening to the early birds and their cawing children, feeling the sun on her skin travel higher into the sky, and inhaling the sweet tasting oxygen in the destructionless world that existed during the hours that humans were at rest, only rising from her spot on the cobblestone street at the first sight of bustling townspeople.

She didn't really need to go home. She had her keys and Jewels, so she could really go back to the guild and pretend she had been there the whole time. It wasn't out of character for her to stay at the guild past it's open hours.  _ Though, _ she thought. _ I am running out and the pharmacy's on the way to the guild anyway. _

* * *

 

A few days later...

She foregoes her ritual of morning drinking — just this once — in favor of watching Mira wipe down the expanse of the counter from her side of the bar. Not being inebriated and therefore having the ability to focus on the details of things for long periods of time, Cana thought the movements were hypnotic; every motion executed with the same amount of purpose as the last. It was calming, equanimous. For herself, at least. She knew that Mira was anything but either.

Since she was a kid, Cana had always seen Mira doing something. It didn't matter what it was as long as it occupied her, kept her busy. Fighting and competing with Erza when they were younger, or taking missions before she retired as S-class, or cleaning. That was what she did. It was her way of keeping her mind off of the things she couldn't afford to think about, a way of temporarily disinfecting her head.

And she was doing it now.

"Is there a reason you're cleaning so early? No one's even ordered anything yet." 

Her head snaps up as Cana's voice brings her back to reality and Mira nervously laughs before answering. "Oh, I'm just getting a head start, is all."

"Sure."

They're both quiet after that.

"Hey, guys," Lisanna beams, skipping over from her table to the bar, breaking silence between the two, and leaving Natsu, Erza, and Gray to converse by themselves.

Cana mumbles a greeting and Mira gives her sister a weary smile that turns somewhat into a grimace part way through and says a hello, putting her wet rag to the side and giving Lisanna her full attention.

"That's your 'pretend your not worrying' face. What's wrong? What are you worried about?," Lisanna's face turns inquisitive and she looks at Cana for an explanation. "What has she been worrying about?"

Cana shrugs, not in the mood and now completely regretting her decision of sobriety. Mira quickly jumps in to answer and plays it down well with a light laugh. "Nothing's wrong, Lisanna. Everything's fine."

Lisanna opens her mouth to retort, but is interrupted by the opening and closing of one of the guild doors and the appearance of Lucy, who pays no mind to anyone and walks straight up to the request board.

"Well, she looks focused today," Cana says. "Her rent must be due some time soon."

She looks back at Mira, who looks as if an invisible weight has just lifted itself from her chest. Cana offers a reassuring smile that had an 'I told you so' feel to it. "See? She's fine! Nothing to worry about."

Lisanna spins around and asks, "Why would you be worrying about Lucy? Seriously, just tell me what's wrong!"

"There isn't anything wrong. Everything is normal, just like it usually is," Mira reaffirms and Cana rolls her eyes. Though Mira would never verbalize it, Cana knew she was probably cursing her in her head, thinking something along the lines of:

_ You haven't even touched alcohol today, yet you could convince anybody you're heavily intoxicated with just your actions, you stupid, damned drunkard! _

Mira shoots her a warning look as soon as Lisanna's back is turned, reinforcing Cana's prediction. Cana rolls her eyes again and, in spite of herself and her foretelling, grins a small bit.

_ Spot on. _

Her grin fades as her eyes land on Lisanna, who's standing still and looking lost as she watches Lucy. "Hey, you okay?"

"Yeah," Lisanna tears her gaze away and her sapphire orbs focus on Cana. "Yeah. Just — Never mind."

"No, tell us. What is it?" Mira urged.

"I — just — Look, I know I've only been back for a little while, but Lucy seems… different than how she was when you all came to Edolas compared to how she is in the guild now — to me, anyway. And I know I don't know her or anything, but —" she groans, exasperated at how her thoughts sounded to herself, "I don't know."

They absorb her confession for a few awkward moments and Cana says, "Wait, so, you don't know Lucy?"

"Well, I know her, but I don't really /know/ her."

"Have you talked to her since you got back? You're at the guild, like, all the time."

Lisanna avoids their eyes and bows her head down slightly. "No, I know. I should've talked to her already. She probably thinks I don't like her or something." Mira goes through the separating gate of the bar and rests a reassuring hand on Lisanna's bicep.

Cana's seen Mira do this many times before, and experienced the performance quite a few times herself, but she could watch it a thousand times more and it would never grow old. This magic she has — not her real magic, of course, but Cana liked to think that this power of pure, nearly unconditional love and acceptance and forgiveness and tolerance she wields from her seemingly unprotected heart was a form of magic, and a spectacular one, at that — it's unlike anything she's ever witnessed.

Mira's kind, endlessly deep blue eyes are an ocean and anyone would find it difficult not getting lost in them, the touch — the physical contact — bound you to her, showed you that you weren't alone, and her smile had a way of convincing you that everything was going to be okay. She was like a hypnotist. An amazing one. You couldn't help but believe her.

"I'm sure that's not true. And if it is, you're not the only one to blame. She hasn't tried to speak to you, either." Lisanna melted right into the assurance, not unlike anyone else.

"Yeah, I guess you're right." She hugs her older sister. "I should probably go talk to her, then. Thanks, Mira."

Cana watches as Mira's eyes widen and she immediately recognizes the look in her eyes. It was the 'I'm planning something' face, a face to be wary of. Or, at least in Cana's case(s). That face got her in all kinds of trouble when they were kids. But she supposes she can't help that now, so she takes a deep breath and downs a swig of invisible scotch from her invisible glass and holds onto the rest of her invisible sanity with a death grip because there's never been a time where Mira's worn that look and had a plan pull through correctly.

"Perhaps you and Lucy could take a mission together. I have to be honest, I've been a little concerned about her myself. She doesn't really talk to anyone anymore, guild or not. Maybe you could get her to talk to you?"

Cana had to admit, that was quick thinking. But she also had to admit that as brilliant as this plan was, it could just as easily fall through.

"Of course." Lisanna smiled determinedly and left for the request board, her confidence dwindling with each step.

"That was clever," Cana compliments Mira as the woman returns to her place behind the bar. Mira finally let's doubt seep into her features, frantically searching for support in Cana's eyes. "Do you think it'll work?"

A piercing shout rings throughout the guild hall before Cana can answer. Needless to say, everyone's attention is now on the commotion.

"LISANNA, YOU'RE GOING ON A MISSION WITHOUT US?" Natsu comes barrelling towards the request board. "Take me with you!"

Happy flies up and lands on the Dragon Slayer's shoulder, furry arms crossed, a 'seriously?!' expression written across his muzzle. Natsu sweat drops and then amends, "Take _us_  with you!"

"Please, Lisanna," the blue cat begs. Natsu echoes him.

"It's not up to me, guys. It's Lucy's mission." Natsu and Happy fall to their knees, hands clasped beneath their faces, which were both hopeful. Cana almost thought they'd cry if the blonde refused to invite them.

Lucy opened her mouth to say _something_ , but was interrupted by the clanging of metal, resulting in two cries of pain from the grovellers. Erza had smacked the both of them upside the head. "Have you no shame? Get up!"

They did, telling her that they did, in fact, have no shame. "Now, I'm sure Lucy has no qualms with you two accompanying Lisanna and herself, so there's no reason to cause such a scene."

"Yes, Ma' am. Of course, Ma' am," Natsu and Happy respond unnecessarily while nodding. When they continue to nod afterwards, Erza's metal clad fingers find purchase in Natsu's pink hair and jerks his head to a stop. A small shriek of fear exits his mouth.

"Yeah, you guys can come. Just don't destroy anything. It's a security job," Lucy says, shattering the tense air. "If we leave at noon, we should make there on time."

Erza releases Natsu's hair from her grip and smiles. "Have a safe trip, you four." Lucy nods.

"Wait, why don't you and Gray come, too?" Lisanna asks Erza.

Titania turns to Lucy with a smile. "If you'd have us, we'd be glad to join you."

"Yeah, sure, whatever. We all have to get our stuff packed or we're going to be late." Lucy starts heading towards the doors. "We'll meet at the train station."

"WHAT?! CAN'T WE JUST WALK!?" Another metal clang, then whimpering.

"Lucy said we leave at noon, so get packing," Gray says as he follows the blonde out of the guild. Cana admires how he managed to control his urge to insult Natsu and escape the ordeal unscathed. Then, she turns back to Mira.

"My answer: no."


End file.
